Finding Love | Musings of a Black Female Adoptee
I am so glad I have found love. Because I didn't think I would ever find the unconditional love I always craved as a child. I especially didn't think I would find such a complete love at such a young age.
I didn't think I was worthy of such love because I had so much work to do on my brokenness, I had to build a foundation for my healing. But at 19 he found me, and at 22 we made it official. Deep down I was scared I wouldn't be able to love him the way he needed because all I knew were shaky TOXIC examples of love and I was a novice at the complexities of love.
Heck, at that age I was a novice at the complexities that were ME.
People may not like to hear this, but being adopted puts a whole new spin on the term LOVE. Because love is inexplicably intertwined with identity. Who does and does not love us plays with our emotions. The motives of their love (or absence of it) may confuse and hurt us. It builds our layers. That even includes the love we give ourselves. And there were definitely times in my youth I didn't love myself, though I was confident in my abilities.
It was to the point I didn't see myself in the mirror, I just saw what other people loved. I saw the abilities I had. But I didn't look hard enough to make sure I loved ME.
Little by little, as I grew in love with him I realized to accept his love for me I had to believe I was worthy of unconditionality. And to do that I had to view myself as worthy not just by my abilities, but because of my being all of ME. The good, the bad, the brilliant and the ugly.
I had to learn that love, especially self-love, didn't have to shatter me or make me feel vain or attention-seeking. That it was ok for me to want and enjoy his touch. That it was ok for me to need him and be independent at the same time.
