The Late Bloomer | Musings of A Black Female Adoptee
This is to the late bloomer.
This is hard, isn't it? I am a late bloomer myself. It seems like I had so much occupied the first 30 years of my life that I never got a chance to stop and feel. Don't worry. It's not your fault. You were just trying to remember to take your next breath. Hard times have a way of doing that to you. Because you were so focused on not falling apart and pulling the strings of chaos together you had no space to do anything else.
It's ok. I get it. But now you can breathe freely.
I remember sitting on the dock on Long Lake. I still was trapped living with my first adoptive parents. I remember things how horrible a situation I was in. How the world just kept spinning with me stuck in these moments trying to find some semblance of …something. I couldn't be happy. I spent too many nights praying and crying to be delivered into the next stage of the play of my life, I promised I would be content to just be free.
I didn’t need anything, but freedom. No more, no less. Just let me walk where others didn't control how I lived. Then I was granted that freedom and latched on to contentment as my safety. If I could just move through this world with my freedom, even if I had to masquerade to keep it, I would. And for the longest I did.
I didn't do risky. I was, have been, cautious. I purposely avoided adventure. I only dip my toes into pools I can easily swim in. I look back and my heartbreaks to see I had caged myself when again, all I wanted was freedom.
So don't squander this chance. Don't deny yourself the knowledge of discovery. If you know not what you love, how are you ever to be open to being loved?
And on that thought. We need to adjust our perspective because we never thought we could be loved. And if we couldn't be loved…then what did it even matter WHAT we loved, right? As I said, I GET IT. We became so accustomed to being lonely and singular, that every other state of feeling feels, foreign; like enemy territory.
But this love. For yourself and things and places, people; it’s healthy. Everyone should have the freedom to look in the mirror and rejoice at the person that stands reflected. If you don't know what you love? How can you rejoice in all that makes you important, relevant and even necessary? And if you can't find any of these, don't worry you can start the journey to find them at any time.
I used to think my ambiguity about myself made me perfect for everyone. If I was perfect for everyone then I wouldn't have to invest my feelings. I was wrong. I was still resentful for all the people who had a stake in my story when I didn't.
And a way to find my way out of that complacency, I had to find a way into myself. I had to explore. So explore. Wherever you are at, with whomever you are with. And it’s going to be an adventure. You don't have to have the perfect vision of who and what you should be. You'll find you're going to be rejecting parts of you that you thought was so true, but upon more examination, you found they were not a reflection of your soul. And that is the part you need to embrace.
It's ok. Remember, as rose bush grows, the more roses there are to bloom.
That means you have to wake up ready to do the work. You have to start listening to the whispers of your personal hopes and dreams and follow them to see if you find all that you were missing. And don't forget, rose bushes for all of their velvety petaled blooms, come with thorns. It’s ok to tread carefully, but with courage. Just because we bleed doesn't always mean we die. A lot of times it means we heal and grow.
